


Do you hate me?

by echo_of_words



Series: Cutthroat Fiction Event [3]
Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: (mostly angst though), Angst, Canon Compliant, Fluff and Angst, Gen, canonverse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-26
Updated: 2020-07-26
Packaged: 2021-03-05 22:55:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,001
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25533226
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/echo_of_words/pseuds/echo_of_words
Summary: The first question Virgil can remember asking is "Do you hate me?" He's not sure why that had to be the first thing he asked - it just seemed like an instinct. Something he absolutely had to know. And it's been a question he's never been able to avoid. Eventually, he has to ask it to everyone.Or: Six times Virgil gets an answer to a question, and one time he doesn't.
Relationships: Anxiety | Virgil Sanders & Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders, Anxiety | Virgil Sanders & Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders, Anxiety | Virgil Sanders & Logic | Logan Sanders, Anxiety | Virgil Sanders & Morality | Patton Sanders, Anxiety | Virgil Sanders & Thomas Sanders
Series: Cutthroat Fiction Event [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1738621
Comments: 7
Kudos: 84





	Do you hate me?

**Author's Note:**

> This fic was written as part of an event called Cutthroat Fiction, inspired by Cutthroat Kitchen, where each round, all competitors get set a theme to plan a fic around, and then get to bid to sabotage each other! This round was the last round, so there were only two competitors, and the prompt was to write a fic about one or more of the Dark Sides.  
> My sabotage this round was pretty hard too - I wasn't allowed to use compound sentences. (I had to go find out what compound sentences _were_ first, but then _oh this is gonna be hard oof._ It was, but it was definitely an interesting and fun restriction to work with! (My co-competitor had the worse sabotage, though, in my opinion - they had to include rhyme as a significant part of the story. It was _very_ well done and their fic, written in a script style, was very entertaining to read, but I definitely couldn't have worked with that nearly as well as they did.)  
> The judging just finished today, and the event is over now - I ended up taking second place, which I'm happy with! This event was really fun, and I'd definitely do it again if given the chance!
> 
>  **Warnings:** Janus being portrayed in a negative light/hints at a bad past between him and Virgil, Remus being portrayed in a positive/neutral light, food, _kinda_ negative self-talk(? it's not positive anyway)

The first question Virgil can remember asking Janus is “do you hate me?” It happened just after Virgil manifested. He isn’t really sure _why_ that was the first thing he had to ask. It just seemed like an instinct. Something he absolutely _had_ to know.

And Janus told him. “No, I don’t. Why would I?”

And Virgil believed him. After all, why wouldn’t he?

Later, Virgil learned what Janus embodied. And the seemingly honest answer to that very first question ended up haunting him to this day.

_Was he lying?_

* * *

Later, Remus manifested. (Or, well, he didn’t exactly _manifest_. It was more like he just...appeared. One day he wasn’t there. The next day, he was. He never explained where he came from. He was just...there.)

Remus turned out to be a… complicated case for Virgil. He didn’t exactly _like_ him. The way he constantly fired off ideas that made Virgil’s (and thereby also Thomas’s) anxiety shoot through the roof was… not fun. Virgil definitely didn’t appreciate that. _No, they weren’t going to jump out of a moving car._ And that just was one of the _tamer_ suggestions Remus tended to make.

On the other hand, though, it was kind of nice having him around. Existing in their part of the mindscape with just Janus did get lonely sometimes. And Janus wasn’t exactly _great_ company, either. Sure, he was _alright_ , but they did have their fair share of disagreements. Sometimes, Virgil privately found himself wishing for someone else to be there. Even just so he had someone else to _talk_ to for a change.

And, well… Remus _was_ that. And talking to him did have its moments. Sometimes, Virgil even _enjoyed_ his company. (Until Remus decided to drop a gigantic vat of slime on Virgil in the middle of the conversation. That happened more frequently than Virgil would have liked it to. Not that he would’ve liked it to happen _ever_ , but still. Things like that tended to happen a lot. Those were the times Virgil thought about reconsidering his wish to have someone else around. (That thought never held long, though.))

But then, the question started bugging him again. And so one day, Virgil went to knock on the door of Remus’s room.

The sounds coming from inside were… strange, to say the least. It sounded like… squelching? Virgil wasn’t sure. He _was_ fairly sure that he didn’t want to know what was making them.

But he’d set his mind on asking the question today, and he wasn’t going to back out now.

The first knock seemed to go unheard. He knocked again.

“Come in! If you dare!”

Virgil pushed down the door handle (which somehow (miraculously) wasn’t booby-trapped) to enter the room with a loud creak of the door.

He’d been in Remus’s room before, of course. Remus had existed long enough that it would’ve been weird for Virgil _not_ to have seen his room before. Still, though, entering his room was always a surprise. While staying in the same part of the mindscape, its interior seemed to be different every time Virgil entered it. That day, the room was covered in floor-to-ceiling green slime that seemed to be oozing out of cracks in the walls whose location, shape and colour also seemed to be different every time Virgil entered this room.

Remus himself was sitting on what looked to be some sort of… throne? chair? made of that same slime, slouching down and looking quite pleased with himself. His face lit up when he saw Virgil. “Ooooh, what brings you here? Come to try out that face mask I recommended the other day? Really, it doesn’t smell _that_ bad once you get used to it—”

“No,” Virgil said decidedly, remembering the honestly terrifying list of ingredients Remus had mentioned adding to his own face mask recipe when they’d been talking a few days ago. “No, I’m not. Actually, I wanted to ask you a question.”

“Oh, really? Is it—”

“Whatever you’re going to say, no,” Virgil interrupted.

Remus sat up, looking interested, if not also mildly disappointed. “What is it, then?”

There was a pause. Then, Virgil burst out: “Do you hate me?”

Remus cocked his head to the side. “No.”

Virgil stared. “Really?”

“Well, yeah. I don’t have a _reason_ to. You can be kinda fun to talk to sometimes. Although you _are_ too tame sometimes. You need to loosen up a little! Think of the _possibilities_ if Thomas listened to my suggestions! We could achieve so many things!”

“Yeah, like _dying_ ,” Virgil muttered. “Well, uh… thanks. For not hating me.” He turned to leave.

“No problem!” Remus shouted after him as the door swung shut. As he was walking away, Virgil allowed himself a small smile.

_At least that’s one person who I know doesn’t hate me. He’s not the type to lie, after all. Not like… well. Him._

* * *

And then, Virgil joined the Light Sides. He’s still not sure whether that was the right decision. He still misses the others sometimes. But he supposes that after...well… _that_ happened with Janus, this was for the best.

However, with new roommates (as far as you can call them that, given that they all live in the same mindscape, just in different sections of it) came the new urge to ask the question. (That’s how he’s come to refer to it in his mind. _That_ question.)

First, he asked Logan. He isn’t really sure why he decided that at the time. It just seemed like a logical (ha) place to start. And Logan _has_ always been the most neutral Side of the three. So maybe that had an influence as well.

It was a regular evening in the mindscape. Logan was sitting in the living room with a book. Meanwhile, Virgil well remembers the way he was anxiously debating with himself just around the corner of the doorway.

_What do I say? Do I just ask? Would that sound awkward? How can I tell whether it’s going to be awkward?_

He remembers deciding that there was no way around it. He’d just have to go for it.

Virgil stepped into the living room. Logan looked up. “Oh! Hello, Virgil. I was about to go look for you. Would you—” 

“Do you hate me?” Virgil burst out. Immediately, he regretted it. This was so different from how Janus and Remus had been. They’d always lived in the same space, after all. It was normal for them. Logan, on the other hand…

Logan was different in so many ways.

Well. He certainly looked surprised. The look on his face didn’t betray anything else, though.

“I… I admit liking you was a little hard at first. You used to be quite a strong nuisance.”

Virgil remembers tuning out slightly at that remark. The static noise in his head started up again. _He hates me he hates me he hates me he—_

“However.” Logan’s voice was gentle now. Virgil looked up. The look in Logan’s eyes was gentler, too.

“I no longer hold that opinion. You changed from what you used to be. Frankly, you are one of the Sides whose opinion I value most these days. Of course, it is not always completely within the realms of logic. But it’s usually still better than, say… Roman’s or Patton’s.” Logan smiled. Virgil’s always remembered that smile. It’s stuck with him for longer than it probably should have. It’s just...very comforting to him. As much back then as it is now. And Logan’s smiles are so, _so_ rare.

Virgil didn’t know what to say to that. Eventually, he mumbled a “thank you”. Then, he left the room. He just didn’t know how to express all of the feelings swirling around inside him.

* * *

In a lot of ways, asking Roman was a lot like asking Remus. (Probably because they’re brothers. (Virgil still remembers finding that out. He used to think Remus just appeared all that time ago. Except then he went up to see the Light Sides for the first time. Seeing Roman act so different and annoying and yet oddly familiar was… strange, to say the least. And Janus told Virgil about the two being brothers right afterwards. How Janus knew, Virgil never found out.))

Anyway, Roman was in his room. Loud singing was coming from inside. Virgil remembers _that_ internal debate, too.

 _Should I do it now? Maybe this wasn’t the best idea. Maybe I should just assume I know the answer anyway._ After all, Roman had never been (and still hardly ever is) exactly _kind_ to Virgil.

But he also knew he had to ask. (He still doesn’t know why he felt the urge so strongly back then. His brain just wouldn’t let him rest until he had an answer.)

So he knocked on the door.

There was no answer. (He guessed Roman hadn’t heard the knock because of the singing.) So he knocked once more, louder this time.

The singing stopped. “Come in!”

Virgil took a deep breath. _No going back now._

The door opened surprisingly quietly. (Virgil doesn’t know why he was expecting it to creak. Maybe because he was still used to the loud creaking of Remus’s door.)

Roman’s room was...interesting, to say the least. Just like Remus’s room did back in the other part of the mindscape, it seems to change at least once a week. On this occasion, it looked like a miniature forest, with no visible walls or ceiling. Several trees were dotted about. Grass several inches high was growing out of the ground. A hammock was hung between two of the trees. Somewhere, Virgil could hear birds singing.

He looked around. _Where is he?_

Then, without any warning, Roman fell out of a tree, landing elegantly on the ground. Virgil jumped, taking several steps back. “Where did you—”

“I was simply lounging in the boughs of a tree to allow my creative spirit free reign!” Roman announced, giving him a little flourishing bow. “And may I ask what brings you here?”

“Do you ever just speak regular English?”

“Nope!” Roman said proudly. “What do you need?”

“I… well…” Virgil was already half-regretting his decision. (As he always did.) “I wanted to ask you a question?”

Roman raised an eyebrow. “Ask away, then.”

“I— uh. Well.” Virgil swallowed. This was reminding him of the time he asked Remus a _lot_.

“Do you hate me?”

Roman looked taken aback. Whatever question he’d been expecting, it evidently hadn’t been that.

“I— well, uh… I admit that I don’t exactly _like_ you. You can be… pretty annoying sometimes, honestly.”

Virgil’s stomach sank. _Well, at least it’s just him. Him hating me isn’t_ too _bad. It’ll be okay. This is fine. This—_

“But,” Roman continued, “I don’t _hate_ you. I… well. Honestly, bickering with you can be pretty fun sometimes, Dr. Doom-and-Gloom. I’d probably enjoy filming the episodes with Thomas a lot less if you weren’t there.”

Virgil looked up, hardly daring to believe it. Of all people, even _Roman_ didn’t hate him?

His look of surprise must have shown on his face, because Roman gave him a small smile. “Yeah, really.”

There was a pause. Again, Virgil didn’t know what to say. (He’d done this three times already. Why did he never know what to say? Shouldn’t he have been better prepared by now?)

“Thanks, Princey. That’s… good to know. Thank you,” he said quietly, before turning and hurrying out of the room, leaving a probably confused Roman behind.

* * *

Asking Patton was the _second_ most difficult. Not the _most_ difficult, that was Thomas, but Patton was definitely a close second. After all, Patton had always been the nicest to Virgil. He was the Side whose opinion Virgil cared most about. That’s why he was so hesitant to ask him. He didn’t want to ruin what they had.

But, of course, the question wouldn’t leave him alone. So, in the end, he did end up asking. He didn’t really plan to do it when he did. He was sitting at the kitchen table, watching Patton bake cookies for everyone. The atmosphere was relaxed and happy and comfortable. For a change, Virgil was actually feeling… pretty content.

And then the question slipped back into his mind, begging to be asked.

And he decided to go for it.

“Uh… Pat?”

“Hm?” Patton was standing with his back to Virgil as he individually turned over the cookies he’d just taken out of the oven to check whether any of them were burnt.

“Do you hate me?”

Patton dropped the cookie. Virgil’s anxiety levels, which had been lower than they hardly ever were, shot up again. _This was a mistake I’m sorry I need to leave and forget this ever happened fuck I—_

“Kiddo…” Patton’s voice was so _soft_ it made Virgil want to cry.

“Of course I don’t hate you.” Patton turned around. The look in his eyes actually nearly _did_ make Virgil tear up. _I don’t deserve him I don’t deserve him I don’t—_

“Kiddo, I could _never_ hate you. I’m so sorry if I made you feel like you had to ask that question. Did you— did you actually think I— Virgil, whatever I did, I’m so sorry, but—”

“Patton, no—” Virgil started hastily. “Pat, I don’t— I didn’t exactly _think_ you hated me. It was more of an… instinctual feeling. If that makes sense. I don’t know. I just— I had to be sure, and—” He broke off, afraid he might actually start crying.

“Well, I don’t hate you, okay? You can be absolutely sure of that.” Patton smiled, looking a little teary-eyed himself. “You can talk to me about anything, alright?”

Virgil nodded, still not trusting himself to talk without getting choked up.

“Hug?” Patton asked, holding his arms open.

Virgil nodded again. Patton threw himself on top of Virgil, wrapping his arms around him in a crushing hug. (Virgil did actually let a few tears soak into Patton’s apron. And if Patton noticed, he didn’t say a word.)

* * *

And now, it’s Thomas’s turn. Virgil’s been procrastinating this one for a long time now. It’s been quite a while since he’d joined the Light Sides. And yet, he’s still hesitant about asking Thomas. After all, Thomas is… well… _Thomas_. He’s the person who Virgil’s a part of. The one whose opinion matters most.

Virgil still doesn’t have a plan for this one, either. He isn’t sure whether he’ll ever _have_ a plan. Whenever he thinks about making one, he always manages to find some excuse not to do it, with a half-hearted promise to himself to do it later.

But then, while they’re filming the next video, Remus decides to show up, setting off a whirlwind of emotions in Virgil. He wasn’t expecting to ever see Remus again. Back when he was living in their old part of the mindscape, Remus didn’t seem like he ever _wanted_ to introduce himself to Thomas.

But here he is. And by the time he’s gone, Virgil is questioning almost everything he ever thought he knew about him.

_Were we ever really friends?_

And then Virgil’s alone with Thomas. His anxiety levels are high again. _What do I say what do I say what do I—_

They talk for a while. Then, there’s a pause. Virgil takes a deep breath. And he makes a decision.

“Because I was one of them.” The sentence comes out easier than he expected. _Just have to say it._ It’s not like this is the first time he just has to make himself _say_ something. (And _hey, maybe I can… If we’re doing honest talk here...)_

Thomas stares at Virgil. “You were…”

Virgil nods. “Yup.”

“So…” Thomas shakes his head lightly. “Sorry, this is a lot to process right now. So you... left the Dark— the others?”

“Yeah. I just… yeah.” Virgil doesn’t want to share his exact reasoning. (Why he dislikes Janus so much.) That’s still too personal. It’s not something Thomas needs to know.

“Okay. And now you just live with the other three?”

“Yeah. I do.”

“Huh. Well, Virgil, I… I accept you as you are. No matter what your past is. Okay?”

Virgil feels a spark of a glowing feeling in his chest at that. “Yeah. Thanks. And...” He takes a deep breath. _Might as well do it now._ “One more question.”

Thomas looks surprised. “Sure! What is it?”

“Do you hate me?”

“I— No, of course not! You’re my anxiety. You’re part of me just as much as Logan or Patton or Roman are.” (Virgil notes the exclusion of Janus and Remus.) “You’re valid just the way you are. And I’m glad you’re here. I mean, we’ve seen what it looks like when you _aren’t_ here. It’s not great. So I’m glad you exist. And I definitely don’t hate you, Virge.” Thomas smiles at him. “I appreciate you, alright?”

Virgil feels like a heavy weight’s been lifted off his chest.

“Alright.” He pauses. “...Thank you.”

“No problem.” Thomas’s smile reminds Virgil of Patton a _lot_. (He supposes that makes sense. They _do_ have the same face.)

Virgil gives Thomas a one-fingered salute before sinking out.

_That went...surprisingly well._

* * *

Virgil rises up in his own room. He looks around, thinking what to do now. The video took a lot of energy out of him. It’d probably be best to do something relaxing.

He catches sight of his own reflection in the mirror. He steps towards it, considering himself.

He’s asked the question to everyone now. None of them hate him. (At least, not at the time of asking the question. Now, he isn’t so sure about two of them anymore.)

So now, there’s only one person left to ask, right?

He looks his reflection in the eyes.

“Do you hate me?” he whispers.

The reflection doesn’t answer. Neither does Virgil.

_I don’t know._

He thought that maybe after asking all of the other Sides—even Thomas himself—he might have an answer.

But even now…

He doesn’t know.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks so much for reading! Comments and kudos are greatly appreciated! Come say hi on tumblr [@echo-of-words](https://echo-of-words.tumblr.com)


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